Love just hit its limit

I am a lightworker. A teacher. A Reiki Master. I have the word love tattooed on my left arm. I write, think, and try to walk the talk of one who is fulfilled by helping people find ways to a better sense of self-worth, happiness, purpose, health, etc. I feel good about being this person.

But now, I've reached my limit. I know this because I can't get past this election. I find Republicans and all they stand for, and all they're doing, and especially the king of all of them, the orange loudmouth whose name I can't even stand to type, fucking horrible on all levels.

I can't meet them with compassion. I ask myself, "What would love do?" and I just get an empty void back. I have anger in here. Not love. I'm hurt, dismayed, horrified, disgusted. There is not a drop of understanding, no willingness to meet and talk, no tolerance for the Republican people to be found in me.

All I see is a shit show that is becoming worse with every piece of news. True news, not fake news.

I see my kids looking at me, wanting explanation. This isn't the country they're learning about in school history class. This isn't what a president or government of a great nation is supposed to be. This isn't leadership.

It's embarrassing. And worse, can hurt many, many people.

He was elected. And that shines a guilty light on those who voted for him, who support him, and who, for reasons I can't grasp even when I'm trying to be generous, think he actually deserves his new post.

This is seriously testing my resolve.

I am trying to be a thought leader, some sort of spiritual teacher, a light in the world. But this... I can't seem to light this up.

I'm feverishly signing petitions. I'm going to march, but I'm afraid of violence too. I'm making donations to the ACLU and Planned Parenthood. All of it is to basically say, "Fuck you" to those who are in power. And it's not enough, because no one who seems rational is in control of anything. No one has the power to check and stop him, and those who have the power aren't interested in doing it.

I see articles written by people I admire, talking about connecting back to love. I can't even read them right now, and that hurts. I want to be able to read them, but it makes me mad. I am not feeling the love.

So then I turn the guilt on myself. I should be able to be that person. I know it's who I really am, but these other concerns are getting in the way.

I'm not feeling it right now, so what do I do? What would people think of me if they knew that someone they look up to isn't feeling too worthy of that right now? Would they be disappointed? Would they feel worse because they can't turn to me right now for comfort or wise words?

I had recurring stomach pains after the election. It probably happened because I have been holding in all of this conflict. Even typing this now, I feel my heart pounding hard in my chest.

Obama and his family were shining exemplars. How can they be replaced by this horrible person and his unethical brood? Obama is Whole Foods and the family moving in is McDonalds.

I'm still wondering WTF happened and what will follow. I've never felt so afraid of the future. It is a horrible feeling. So many are feeling this right now and none of us know how to turn things around. It's a resistance, a fight, and damn it I just want to do my work without having to be protesting instead. I want to write my books, offer healing, officiate weddings, and be a beacon without feeling too angry and afraid to do a damn thing, and then wondering why I can't be better.

I know I'm leaving this hanging, but it's because I have no better conclusion right now.