Enough

I was talking with one of my Reiki students today, as I gave her Reiki. We were talking about careers. She just got a promotion, but it's a high-demand job with more stress. I created my career piecemeal out of lots of things I like to do - give Reiki, teach Reiki, write, officiate weddings, and write and edit game content.

I realized something as I said it. It literally came out of my mouth as I was thinking it. I feel like I'm still not _____________ enough. Fill in the blank with any of these words: successful, intuitive, productive, loving mom, in-tune, patient, active... I'm not anything enough. I felt close to tears as I realized that I've been feeling this way for a long time and only now just articulated it.

How many people feel this way? Do we all feel this way?

Some long number of years ago, I heard my husband say, "Everyone's an impostor." I always liked that. It means we're all trying to be what we want to be. And yet, we all feel like we're just trying to be this person, and hope that no one notices that inside, we are not feeling that confident about it.

I know that I'm good at Reiki. I'm good at teaching. I can write. I bring in money. But at the same time, I long to be a stronger, more powerful energy healer. I want to attract more students. I want people to review, buy, and love my books. I want my classes to be full of students with a waiting list. I am ready to be asked to come travel and teach large groups. I'm ready to be BIG. But, it's quiet. I'm counting book purchases. I am waiting for registration for my courses, which are EXCELLENT and I put MANY MANY hours into perfecting. I appear successful to others, but I'm not meeting my own standards.

I'm 47 years old. I am working on finishing the work for my second master's degree. I work for myself. But I also am ready to make the same salary as someone working for "the man". That's success, right? To earn the same salary working for yourself as you would if you were working for someone else? Or is something else "success"?

I am grateful that I can work from home, arrange my own schedule, be here for my kids after school, and make dinner. I can shlep them all over town in the afternoons as they need. Yeah, that matters, and I'm grateful about it.

But.

There's this stupid nagging feeling that I'm not _______ enough, because I'm always waiting.

One day, one of my books, or classes, or weddings, could hit big. It could be in the spotlight. And then everything would explode in the best of ways.

But that's not today.

So, I keep creating. Keep striving. Keep my eyes on the prize, so to speak. And try not to acknowledge or give attention to that little fear of not being enough, no matter how hard I work.

I have to be doing what I'm doing. It is what I'm here for. I know it. So, it would be a great help if I could just feel content about it 100%.