New Year's Angst Again

I'm sure I have a mental block. It's probably deliberate, though I didn't consciously do it. Here's what happened - I forgot to put Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur on my Google Calendar. Yes, I know it's possible to import the Jewish holidays and they're automatically there, but I found that out only a couple days ago so - too late.

I did put them on my family's personal calendar which is on the fridge, but I put Rosh Hashana on the wrong day and didn't notice.

This only became a problem when my online scheduler allowed a new Reiki client to schedule an appointment at noon on Rosh Hashana. Oh, and I have two weddings scheduled for Yom Kippur (with me as the officiant), which I can hardly back out of. So. Oops.

And then, there's this - my temple. I tried to find out what time services are on Rosh Hashana (which is THURSDAY - YES, ALICE, TWO DAYS FROM NOW), and the service times are not on the website. They're only available to those who have tickets. Where are my tickets? They're being held hostage by my temple because they're waiting for the dues committee to approve our dues arrangement.

So - our temple is firmly upholding a value of exclusion. Exclusion for those who are not members and therefore have no right to come and pray. Exclusion for those who are members who are working their dues payments out at (admittedly) the last minute. Is this consistent with the "most holy days of the Jewish year"?? Hm. One wonders.

On the Jewish New Year, what are we supposed to be doing? We're supposed to be in temple, as a community, thinking about our behavior over the past year. Reflecting on our values. Mm hm. We're supposed to value people. We're supposed to value spirituality. And our temple is making it impossible for anyone who hasn't paid their dues by a certain date to attend, or even to find out what time services are.

Add this to the fact that I have absolutely no motivation whatsoever to be there. Which may have led to the mental block that caused my forgetting to put it on my calendar.

And here at home, are four children. The oldest has no interest in services at all. The son had his Bar Mitzvah this past February and is actually looking forward to his first year being "obligated" to fast on Yom Kippur, so trying that out by doing the Jewish thing and going to temple is a positive thing for him right now. The youngest is watching her siblings thoughtfully. Number two hasn't said much about her feelings about this.

My husband is where I am mentally. He also forgot that Rosh Hashanah is Thursday (probably because I didn't remind him). So he hasn't even put in to take it off. And he has no interest in going either, although the sense of obligation as parents is overshadowing our own feelings again.

He's picking up our tickets tonight, at which time we'll see what time we can get to services. Service times have typically also been inconvenient for us because our kids' ages span 10-17 and the services are broken up by age, at different times to accomodate the huge number of people who tend to show up on those days.

Finally, there's the sense that we've never felt warmly included by our temple community. They're cliquish. They've been there together for a long time, and we're still the "new family" even though we've been members going on 3 years, and participated in temple activities, and our kids went to religious school and worked there too. But no one ever invites us places or really talks to us when we're there, so we feel awkward.

So this is it - Rosh Hashanah time again. Going to temple is not only a chore, it probably isn't going to feel warm and nice when we finally do get there at any point during holiday time. Plus I won't be with the family on Yom Kippur (my own fault) because I'll be running around Virginia officiating weddings (for people not Jewish, obviously, as Jewish weddings are forbidden on the Day of Atonement!!). This isn't something my family should say much about when they're at temple and I'm not. Oh, where's Alice? She's officiating weddings on the most solemn fast day of the year. Yeah. Great. Something more to atone for. Ha. As if.

It's a lot of annoyance, navigating all of this, and feels about as spiritual as cleaning up cat barf.

I had a good year. I expect another good year. It has nothing to do with whether I'll be at services or not. It has to do with the way I live, the way that spirituality is a part of my everyday life. And, that's enough for me.

So why are we bothering belonging to a temple? Because there's that value of belonging that has to have a foothold somewhere. I don't want my kids missing out on their Jewish identity and there's something about belonging to a temple, even if our participation is kind of selective and minimal, that tends to anchor that identity along with the things we do at home.

L'Shana Tova to my Jewish family and friends.